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My Thoughts on “Warrior Galadriel” (Three Years Blogging)

It has been exactly three years since my first article ever was posted. In celebration, I decided to write about something other than apologetics. It is a thing that amuses me, however, and is rather light-hearted. So this might not interest many apologetics enthusiasts but, then again, many devout Catholics are Lord of the Rings fans so… who knows?

If I have not made it clear, I am a Tolkien geek. I do not apologize for being a Tolkien geek. I obviously do not expect all my readers to be Tolkien geeks as well. However, if you are not a Tolkien geek (or at very least are not somewhat familiar with Middle-Earth), you might not care what I am saying. However, like many Tolkien geeks, I was rather disappointed with Amazon’s recent series, The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. If my readers enjoyed it, I have no right to stand in your way. However, in my mind, aside from several major lore changes (without spoiling anything, I will simply say one word—mithril; if you have seen the show, you will know what I mean), it rather missed the point of the story Amazon was trying to tell. The story of the Second Age, which they are adapting, surrounds roughly two stories—the tale of the Rings and the tale of the Island. Both are one of hubris, the hubris that led the Elves of Eregion to seek to turn Middle-Earth into a paradise it was not meant to be and the hubris that led the Men of Númenor to covet immortality that was not theirs. However, there are, in my opinion, many criticisms of the series that were extremely misdirected. For example, a remarkable number of people were claiming that beardless women among the Dwarves somehow ruined Tolkien’s lore. Yes, Tolkien did say it was easy to confuse male and female Dwarves in Appendix A of The Lord of the Rings and some of his materials published posthumously in The History of Middle-Earth series say that female Dwarves have beards but it does not seem to me that Tolkien ever settled on it or why a single poor aesthetic choice would be enough to ruin the entire story. Further, there is a much clearer lore-break I caught, namely that Elendil has a beard in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, and Tolkien explicitly stated that:

I myself imagined Aragorn, Denethor, Imrahil, Boromir, Faramir as beardless. This, I said, I supposed not to be due to any custom of shaving, but a racial characteristic. None of the Eldar had any beards, and this was a general racial characteristic of all Elves in my “world”. Any element of an Elvish strain in human ancestry was very dominant and lasting.

The Nature of Middle-Earth p. 187

Elendil is also a descendant of Elves, so he should also be beardless. I personally suspect that the main reason no one cares is because Peter Jackson did not implement this with Aragorn or Boromir rather than for every lore reason. Looking at this quotation, I do now realize that in that case, if Elves actually do have pointed ears, so would Aragorn and Elendil, yet I imagine many fans would be irritated if Elendil and Isildur had pointed ears in the Amazon series, probably because Aragorn did not in the Peter Jackson films. Personally, I doubt that either do, seeing that the hobbits do not notice Aragorn’s ears in The Lord of the Rings when they first meet him, but I do not mind that they included them on Elves because it distinguishes them from Men and frankly I think it would be more or less impossible to render them with beauty “beyond all other beauty that Ilúvatar has caused to be” (The Silmarillion p. 46), even with CGI (because, you know, I doubt a computer can make greater beauty than anything God did).

Similarly, there was a huge knee-jerk reaction, presumably because of Peter Jackson’s movies, about short-haired Elves for some reason. I admit some of Amazon’s elven hair seemed rather modern (although I hear that is common among period pieces), but I have yet to find any remark about Elves having long hair as a universal rule. I have similar opinions about the cast looking ethnically diverse. Are most characters in Middle-Earth probably meant to be European-looking? Probably, at least in Tolkien’s head (although I would note that Númenor was around the equator and Cuivienen, where the Elves originated, was in the far East), but color-blind casting is almost a standard for every life-action film set based upon the life of Christ, so I do not see why we should blame Amazon for it.

If we were to follow these rules, someone should riot over Sam Gamgee being blond in the film, since I highly doubt he is. Blond hair is very rare among hobbits and Sam is most representative of the four among the hobbits, so I doubt he would be an exception. Also, Frodo should be unusually fair-skinned among hobbits, who are described as usually rather “brown”, and we do not clearly get that (the skin-tones of Frodo and Sam strike me as very close in the movies). The same could be said of Gandalf having a gray hat in the movies when in both The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings it is explicitly stated (see The Hobbit p. 4 and The Lord of the Rings p. 25) that Gandalf’s hat is blue. This one still gets on my nerves far more than short-haired elves or depicting women without beards.

But none of these violations bother me as much as what Peter Jackson did to the Mouth of Sauron and Gríma Wormtongue…

Both of these characters are more or less ordinary-looking humans in the book…

And this is where we come to “warrior” Galadriel. Do I have problems with the characterization of Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power? Absolutely. For one thing, she struck me as remarkably incompetent in everything that did not involve stabbing people. For another, they basically made her an antiheroine, which I did not like for Galadriel. In some ways, I almost think they likely based her on Fëanor, who, for those who do not know, was arguably Tolkien’s most evil elf. But as for discussing whether Galadriel took part in physical combat, I am not talking about it in order to defend the series exactly (about which I do not care), but rather simply because I think people underestimate the complication of Galadriel’s character and I want to enjoy a relatively little-known and little-developed aspect of it.

But before I do this, I must address a very unfortunately common claim I have heard—the claim that any presentation of Galadriel bearing arms is somehow automatically “woke” or feminist. I generally disagree with accusing people of inserting politics unless someone has clear reason to suppose that was the motivation. In other words, never attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance (I need to write an article on that maxim some day). In turn, I would recommend to anyone who accuses such of Amazon to be sure he is not inserting his own politics into Tolkien rather than defending Tolkien’s own views. I like to keep my politics and my Tolkien very separate. Therefore, in this discussion, the only thing that is important to me is whether Tolkien was in favor of or against women in battle.

C. S. Lewis, Tolkien’s close friend and the author of The Chronicles of Narnia, was clearly against women in battles, considering his rather… unpopular line in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe where Father Christmas tells a nine-year-old girl that she is not to fight in an upcoming battle because “battles are ugly when women fight” (p. 160). With that in mind, I could understand the accusation of “wokeness” in the 2008 adaptation of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, as it presents Susan Pevensie taking part in battle multiple times, contrary to the views of Lewis. Whether we agree with this is beside the point, but these are the facts.

Susan Pevensie from The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008) Unlike in the book, she takes place in several battles

However, Tolkien almost certainly cannot have shared his views. For one thing, unlike Lewis, he was a Catholic, and therefore would have venerated Joan of Arc as a saint and believed she was asked by God to lead the French armies to victory (St. Joan was actually canonized when Tolkien was a young man in the year 1920 by Pope Benedict XV). Besides, there are plenty of females presented in a positive light who fight in battles in Middle-Earth, notably Éowyn, Emeldir the Man-hearted, Lady Haleth, and possibly Idril Celebrindal among others. This is rare, as it was rare in real history in the societies from which Tolkien took inspiration, but it still can happen and Tolkien was well aware of this. Therefore, whether Tolkien specifically intended Galadriel to be a warrior or not, it is not “woke” but at most an incorrect lore violation, of which Amazon has made many that clearly are not woke but simply poor decision making (I still cannot get over what they did with mithril…). Amazon’s intentions, whether “inclusive” or not, are none of my business nor concern, and I would rather consider the finished product. The sooner we can get past these things, the better, and let us consider what Tolkien actually said about Galadriel herself.

Before we get into the meat of this article, I would like to give a very brief history of Galadriel for context. Now, it should be noted that Galadriel (and Celeborn) have many inconsistencies and problems with their lore, more than any other major characters in the lore. However, I will give my brief and heavily condensed summary such as is consistent with the published Lord of the Rings and Silmarillion, but if anyone would like more information on this issue, I recommend The Silmarillion and especially The Unfinished Tales.

Galadriel was born in the West, the Undying Lands, Valinor, which was ruled by the Valar, Powers of Arda who aided Eru Illúvatar, God, in shaping the world. She was young and proud, a great athlete and lore-master. She was self-willed and dreamed of ruling far off lands, though deep down she was generous and good heart. Nevertheless, her proud and power-hungry nature won over, and she joined her uncle and “unfriend” Fëanor’s rebellion against the Valar, but then she turned on him once Fëanor committed genocide against some of her relatives so as to take their ships and sail to Middle-Earth. This was the Kinslaying at Alqualondë. But unwilling to turn back admitting defeat, Galadriel took the longer way to Middle-Earth with her uncle, Fingolfin, and her brother, Finrod, the hard way to Middle-Earth. There, she came to Doriath and met Celeborn who became her husband. She also met Melian, a Maia (basically an angelic being) who taught her many arts, which is where she seems to have learned some of her power as well as skills such as making lembas. At the end of the First Age in the War of Wrath and the overthrow of Morgoth, the ban from Valinor was lifted from exiles who had followed on the rebellion, save for a few of the chief actors, among whom was Galadriel, but Galadriel had replied proudly that she had no wish to do so because she did not want to admit having done any wrong and basically wanted to reign in Middle-Earth rather than serve in Valinor. She got her wish and apparently at least ruled three places along with her husband, Celeborn: Harlindon, Eregion (with Celebrimbor), and Lothlórien. However, around this time, it seems that Galadriel’s pride was gradually chipped away and she hungered for the West. It was actually not until a test was placed before her when the ban was lifted. The test appeared in the form of a little hobbit who offered her a ring of power—a Ring which could have allowed her to conquer the world. But she rejected it and, in her own words “passed the test”. This is the meaning of her words in The Lord of the Rings, “I will diminish, and go into the West and remain Galadriel.” It was only then when she could finally leave Middle-Earth and reunite with her kin.

This is a very brief summary, but now we know enough to move on, at least if one is familiar with The Lord of the Rings, and finally, we can move on to the question: was Galadriel ever a warrior? By this, I am using the word “warrior” broadly. I doubt she was a professional commander of armies, not at least as The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power depicts her. What I mean is that she may have fought in more battles than the average elven-woman and by choice rather than simply by necessity. By this broad usage of the word “warrior”, I would call Gandalf a warrior as well.

If the reader has followed this debate at all, he has likely heard this quotation from The Morgoth’s Ring:

“And the Eldar deemed that the dealing of death, even when lawful or under necessity, diminished the power of healing, and that the virtue of the nissi [Elf-women] in this matter was due rather to their abstaining from hunting or war than to any special power that went with their womanhood. Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength and speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies, though such men abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need.”

Morgoth’s Ring p. 213-214

In other words, the elven-women did not typically fight but they did occasionally in desperate times. Likewise, elven-men did not typically heal—unless they did, in which case they did not usually hunt or go to war. I would note that this superstition that hunting and war decreased the efficacy of healing was likely nothing more than a superstition because Aragorn was both a healer and a warrior at the same time. Elrond may not have been both at the same time, but he fought in the War of the Last Alliance and then was known as a healer by the Third Age. It also is made clear that there are some exceptions where the roles are reversed, such as men who chose to be healers. It only names elf-women who fight in dire straights, but seeing that it is juxtaposed with how elf-men are occasionally healers, it might just be a generalization rather than an absolute rule. With that in mind, I might read what Tolkien is saying as: Elf-men don’t typically heal wounds, except occasionally when they do, and Elf-women don’t typically hunt or fight, except occasionally when they do.

I do not know of any obvious statement that says Galadriel was a healer or a doctor in the way Elrond was. If the reader knows of any, feel free to place it in the comments. However, there is at least one well-known exception, that being Aredhel, Galadriel’s cousin, who was not a warrior but a great huntress. To quote the Silmarillion, she “was younger in the years of the Eldar than her brothers; and when she was grown to full stature and beauty she was tall and strong, and loved much to ride and hunt in the forests.” (p. 61)

Galadriel and Aredhel were more or less on the same level of the hierarchy of Elvish and specifically Noldorin royalty, so if one is going to argue that Aredhel can be a huntress because she is a princess, Galadriel could also easily be a huntress or a warrior as well for that reason. Further, she is specifically described in The Unfinished Tales as, “the greatest of the Noldor, except Fëanor maybe, though she was wiser than he” (p. 229) and in The Lord of the Rings Appendices, “greatest of Elven women” (p. 1082), so if there were any exception to this rule that Elven women do not fight, who is more likely than Galadriel?

But these are all circumstantial pieces of evidences. Is there anything more direct? As a matter of fact there are several. In The Shibboleth of Fëanor, quoted both in The Unfinished Tales and The Peoples of Middle-Earth, Tolkien explicitly states that, “Her mother-name was Nerwen (“man-maiden”), and she grew to be tall beyond the measure even of the women of the Noldor; she was strong of body, mind, and will, a match for both the loremasters and the athletes of the Eldar in the days of their youth.” (p. 229) Tolkien also said in one of his letters, “She was then of Amazon disposition and bound up her hair like a crown when taking part in athletic feats.” (Letter 348)

Galadriel’s mother called her “man-maiden”, so Amazon basically got Galadriel right in regard to physical prowess (and for those who call her “Guyladriel” or whatever to express their contempt, 1) as long as she has a body made for gestating rather than impregnating, she is not a guy because one’s sex is not dependent on personality, but 2) Galadriel’s mother said basically the same thing first, so Amazon technically got that right as well). It should be noted that a mother-name was a public name given to Elves by their mothers and typically had some prophetic significance. For instance, Fingolfin’s mother name was Aracáno, meaning “High Chieftain”, which I suspect prophesied that he would one day be High King, even though at the time there was no logical reason to predict it. With that in mind, I imagine Galadriel’s quality of being man-maiden would last longer than just her having liked sports in her youth when she still lived in Valinor before she left. Whatever it was, it was very important to her character. Also, it definitely was not only height because Galadriel was actually two inches shorter than the average Elven male. (see Unfinished Tales p. 286 and The Nature of Middle-earth, p. 194) Interestingly enough, that makes Celeborn unusually short.

So, from these two quotes, we can gather that she was at least of great physical prowess and an athlete. Obviously, however, not all athletes are warriors. That said, these words do at very least suggest that she could be a warrior and she would likely have the physical abilities to do so. 

The description as being of “Amazon disposition” is also noteworthy. Yes, in context, Tolkien was talking primarily about her athleticism. However, Tolkien was a student of mythology and knew that the Amazons were a tribe of warrior women in the stories of the ancient Greeks. Further, as far as I can tell, every other time Tolkien uses the word “Amazon”, he is referencing a warrior-woman. For instance, when discussing a character, Haleth, and her people, who can be found in the pages of The Silmarillion, he says, “their chieftainess Haleth was a renowned Amazon with a picked bodyguard of women.” (The Unfinished Tales p. 377) Similarly, he actually says of Éowyn, “Though not a ‘dry nurse’ in temper, she was also not really a soldier or ‘amazon’, but like many brave women was capable of great military gallantry at a crisis.” (Letter 244)

Seeing that multiple times, Éowyn is described as a shield-maiden, “amazon” can only mean warrior-woman. Also, Éowyn was the lady who slew the Witch-king of Angmar, so if she was not an “amazon” while Galadriel was at least of “Amazon” disposition, that might suggest that having her as a warrior was in Tolkien’s mind, at least toward the end of his life (the letter where he describes Galadriel as such was written in the final year of Tolkien’s life). I would also note that Tolkien capitalizes the word “Amazon”, just as he does when describing Lady Haleth, which more plainly calls to mind the mythic people and therefore could more easily be read to read “warrior woman” than simply “athletic woman”. Even if I grant that this was in Valinor and there would not have been much in the realm of battles (although the one battle there was in Valinor, the First Kinslaying, she fought in, as I will get to in a moment), the fact that Tolkien is basically saying, In those days, Galadriel had the body and fitness of a warrior-woman is itself conspicuous, in my opinion. Yes, Tolkien uses the word in context of primarily talking about her abilities as an athlete, but it should be remembered it was a very short letter where Tolkien said this was very hasty, only three sentences long, and written six months before his death, so I doubt it was especially thorough. Therefore, I think it is very possible that the word choice likely signifies that idea was in the back of his mind for some point during Galadriel’s youth, though not explicitly stated. Obviously, this is not solid proof, but I do think it can fairly be added to the pile of evidence. But let us move on, as more is to come.

In the text of The Lord of the Rings, Appendix B, “when the Shadow passed, Celeborn came forth and led the host of Lorien over Anduin in many boats. They took Dol Guldur, and Galadriel threw down its walls and laid bare its pits, and the forest was cleansed.” (LOTR p. 1094) It is also heavily implied she was present decades before when Sauron was driven from Dol Guldur, as supported by earlier in The Tale of Years, “The White Council meets; Saruman agrees to an attack on Dol Guldur, since he now wishes to prevent Sauron from searching the River. Sauron having made his plans abandons Dol Guldur.” (LOTR p. 1089) Galadriel was a member of the White Council and lived nearby, she presumably took part in casting out Sauron from Dol Guldur. Now, was this done primarily by magic? In my opinion, probably, at least originally in Tolkien’s mind. The former calls to mind the quote from the Silmarillion, “Then Lúthien stood upon the bridge, and declare her power: and the spell was loosed that bound stone to stone, and the gates were thrown down, and the walls opened, and the pits laid bare”. (p. 207) However, it should be noted that unlike Elrond, for instance, Galadriel and Celeborn were first invented in The Lord of the Rings. These characters first appeared here and therefore they may not quite reflect Tolkien’s final intent on the subject. Anyone who has read The Quest for Erebor, as found in The Unfinished Tales, will know that Tolkien is a master of retcons, so if Tolkien did have in mind Galadriel as a warrior later in life, I would not be surprised if he would have interpreted these words differently later on. That said, I have no proof for this.

A much more relevant line is found in The Unfinished Tales, which explicitly states that she fought in the Kinslaying of Alquilondë, saying, “she fought fiercely against Fëanor in defence of her mother’s kin, she did not turn back.” (p. 231) This is repeated in a later version, written in the last month of Tolkien’s life (a weird one where Galadriel is no longer a member of the rebellion against the Valar and Celeborn is a Telerin Elf named Teleporno or Telepornë) which says, “indeeed she with Celeborn fought heroically in defence of Alqualondë against the assault of the Noldor, and Celeborn’s ship was saved from them” (p. 232). Now, this is likely not just saying that she was using magic the way she likely was in Dol Guldur. This is before she went to Doriath and learned much from Melian. Also, magic is subtle in Middle-Earth, so it is not as if she is likely to be throwing fireballs. Also, most Elven heroes, even if they have powerful magic (other than Lúthien who is basically a demigoddess and therefore would not need one), still wield weapons (notably Fëanor), so Galadriel probably took up a sword. Further, the phrases “fought fiercely against Fëanor” and “fought heroically in defence of Alqualondë” suggests she was in the thick of the action rather than acting as a commander.

The Kinslaying at Alquilondë by Ted Nasmith

There are also a few other battles Galadriel probably would have fought in, including the Battle of Lammoth, where Fingolfin’s group was attacked by some orcs when they first came to Middle-Earth. It is only briefly mentioned in The Peoples of Middle-Earth, but she would undoubtedly have been present there. Also, according to Christopher Tolkien (our usual authority when J. R. R. has said nothing), “it is a natural assumption that Celeborn and Galadriel were present at the ruin of Doriath (it is said in one place that Celeborn “escaped the sack of Doriath”), and perhaps aided the escape of Elwing to the Havens of Sirion with the Silmaril – but this is nowhere stated.” (Unfinished Tales p. 233) Anyone who is familiar with The Silmarillion would be aware that this could easily place Galadriel in several battles—but as Christopher said, this is only an assumption.

To this, I anticipate the response that every single instance here is a dire straight, which is the situation where Tolkien says elf-women are most likely to fight. Let us focus on the Kinslaying of Alquilondë because that is the only time Tolkien explicitly describes it. Although it is possible that all Elven women fought in that battle, at least toward the end when they were getting slaughtered, Tolkien does not say so and in neither version does he say, “Galadriel fought with the other Elven women,” as I would expect him to do if that was his intention because as far as I can tell, the reference to the custom for Elven women to only fight in dire straights is fairly isolated and any reader is likely to link this back to what was said earlier in the same essay that Galadriel is physically strong, called “man-maiden”, and a great athlete. At any rate, Tolkien never said explicitly that all Elven women fought in this battle, so I suspect Galadriel joined much more quickly than others. It is also not as if Galadriel appears to have been living there (at least not in the original version) but was already “the only woman of the Noldor to stand that day tall and valiant among the contending princes, was eager to be gone.” (The Silmarillion p. 90) Hence, she was already not acting fully with the social norms of an elven woman prior to this point, which makes her later becoming a warrior. This, coupled with the “Amazon” line and the “Nerwen” line, in my mind easily paints a certain picture in one’s mind. Although nothing is stated definitively, I still think a strangely large number of pieces of evidence that are lining up, which would only be expected if “warrior Galadriel” were somewhere in the back of Tolkien’s mind.

Now, for completion’s sake, I probably ought to reference the quotation, “She looked upon the Dwarves also with the eye of a commander, seeing in them the finest warriors to pit against the Orcs.” (The Unfinished Tales p. 235) I agree this is not particularly strong evidence as the eye of a commander is obviously a metaphor. Further, this comes from Concerning Galadriel and Celeborn which, though undated, seems to be an early text. For instance, Celebrimbor is still an Elf of Gondolin and not the last descendant of Fëanor, and so it was clearly written prior to The Shibboleth of Fëanor where Galadriel is first text described as the “man-maiden” and described as having fought in the First Kinslaying, so if Tolkien did intend for Galadriel to be a warrior-woman, that was probably an idea that did not emerge until later. That said, I do see how some could read it as suggesting that Galadriel had military experience in the past, perhaps having been given her own regiment to lead as a “commander” when they first came to Middle-Earth and were attacked by Orcs at Lammoth. She was a leader of the Noldorin rebellion, after all. I am still not convinced by this, but I understand how it could support the theory. Another similar statement is found in Morgoth’s Ring, where Tolkien describes her as “the fairest of the house of Finwë and the most valiant” (p. 177) which does at least suggest the courage of a soldier, although whether she is or is not one is not said. In general, I think these are the weakest arguments and do not prove much, but the reader may make of it what he will. We might as well place it on the growing pile of evidence, little though this one might be.

Of course, I admit that any of these could interpreted differently, especially the last two I quoted, and frankly, if any one of them were solitary, I doubt I would make much of it, other than perhaps the detail about her fighting at the First Kinslaying. However, as it is, although they might not make foolproof evidence on their own, if we take it as a cumulative case, considering all these facts together, it certainly seems to me much more compelling as the fact that there are so many texts that could be read this way becomes stranger and stranger if we do not suppose that Galadriel was something of a fighter. Also, Galadriel’s backstory is highly conflicting on many details, but this sort of description only seems to have grown rather than diminished, as the last two quotes which I thought were weak seem to have probably been relatively early while the detail about her being the man-maiden and fighting at the First Kinslaying appears later on and was repeated (once in 1966 and once in 1973), which conveys to me that Tolkien did settle on these details for Galadriel definitively and doubled down upon it rather than moving away from them.

However, none of these are even the greatest evidence that Galadriel was a warrior in my opinion. The greatest, I think, comes once again from that final version where Galadriel was never a rebel and Celeborn was not a Telerin Elf named Telepornë. Now, obviously, this is not the favorite version of most Tolkien fans but I think it still tells how Tolkien saw Galadriel late in his life, and it shows how Tolkien saw Galadriel toward the end of his life, and this version is what convinced me that Tolkien was saying that Galadriel was a warrior, at least in her youth.

This is what it says:

In the years after they [i.e. Galadriel and Celeborn] did not join in the war against Angband, which they judged to be hopeless under the ban of the Valar and without their aid; and their counsel was to withdraw from Beleriand and to build up a power to the eastward (whence they feared that Morgoth would draw reinforcement), befriending and teaching the Dark Elves and Men of those regions. But such a policy having no hope of acceptance among the Elves of Beleriand, Galadriel and Celeborn departed over Ered Lindon before the end of the First Age.

The Unfinished Tales p. 232

Now, obviously Tolkien is saying they did not join a war. However, he follows this up with a reason and it is not that Galadriel is a woman but rather that she and Celeborn judged it to be hopeless under the ban of the Valar and without their aid. Why would he say this if there were no way Galadriel would fight anyway because of her femininity? Further, I would contend that these words directly imply that she would fight, at least in this final version, in the War of Wrath because then the Elves did have the aid of the Valar. Obviously, Tolkien never got a chance to update The Silmarillion accordingly, and I am rather glad about this overall because I much prefer Galadriel’s backstory as a Noldorin rebel who had to repent, but I imagine if he had, he would have likely drawn out the “Galadriel as a fighter” aspect much more throughout the First and maybe even the Second or Third Ages, though I have no doubt by the Third Age, she did so little if at all.

In conclusion, I think Tolkien probably intended Galadriel to be a warrior in a sense, although never a professional soldier. I suspect this idea was not, however, present in the composition of The Lord of the Rings, but neither were many other things, such as the origin of the Dwarves, which are accepted now within the Tolkien community and I suspect it grew in his mind, probably appearing at least by 1966 when Tolkien wrote The Shibboleth of Fëanor and almost definitely by 1973 when he introduced Unstained Galadriel. I also suspect she took part in battles less and less frequently as the history of Middle-Earth went along because most obvious references appear in the Years of Trees or the First Age. I have some problems with depicting Galadriel as a great commander in the Second Age, as Amazon is doing, most notably because considering that by the Second Age Galadriel was still apparently ambitious and power-hungry (as evidenced by her not returning to Valinor), she probably would not even agree to act as a servant to Gil-Galad, who was her younger cousin.

But before I end, I think I ought to address the question as to why so many people seem so immediately averse to Galadriel fighting in battle, because I myself was almost shocked when so many people became so angry in the name of alleged “faithfulness” to the lore (although, then again, people became angry about other strange trivialities such as beardless women and short-haired elves rather than more major things such as Celebrimbor and Isildur being contemporaries and Harfoots not being a breed of Hobbits but rather their “ancestors”). I think some people are too entrenched in Galadriel only being the ethereal, Marian figure we meet in The Lord of the Rings or worse, the creepy, untouchable, out-of-this-world Galadriel in the Peter Jackson films (I mean, let us be real: if it were not for Peter Jackson, no one would be overreacting so greatly over elves having had haircuts some time in their thousands of years of life). With all respect to Peter Jackson and Cate Blanchette, personally, I do not particularly like Galadriel’s depiction, just because she seemed too out-of-this-world and impossible to approach (her main method of communication to talk in people’s minds and once evaporating into thin air in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey), which did not strike me as fitting for a character inspired by Mary, the Mother of God and our Mother—nor indeed did it strike me as quite fitting for a character with as relatable a story as her own. 

I was particularly interested in your remarks about Galadriel. …. I think it is true that I owe much of this character to Christian and Catholic teaching and imagination about Mary, but actually Galadriel was a penitent: in her youth a leader in the rebellion against the Valar (the angelic guardians). At the end of the First Age she proudly refused forgiveness or permission to return. She was pardoned because of her resistance to the final and overwhelming temptation to take the Ring for herself.

J. R. R. Tolkien, Letter 320

As seen from the quotation above, Galadriel was not always a Marian figure. This is what irritates me so much about this discussion—it seems to leave out all the struggles it took to get to this point, from a young, proud, and ambitious Elf-maid, little more than a teenager in our understanding, to a woman of great stature, the greatest and wisest of the Elves in the Third Age. This is the meaning of this line of dialogue:

‘And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!’

She lifted up her hand and from the ring that she wore there issued a great light that illuminated her alone and left all else dark. She stood before Frodo seeming now tall beyond measurement, and beautiful beyond enduring, terrible and worshipful. Then she let her hand fall, and the light faded, and suddenly she laughed again, and lo! she was shrunken: a slender elf-woman, clad in simple white, whose gentle voice was soft and sad.

‘I pass the test,’ she said. ‘I will diminish, and go into the West and remain Galadriel.’

The Lord of the Rings p. 365-366
Frodo offers Galadriel the Ring in the 2001 film, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

By I pass the test, it is her way of saying “Look at how far I have come”. It was a long and complicated history that led Galadriel to this point, and frankly, I think it is a great disservice to the character if one only looks at Galadriel in The Lord of the Rings outside of the larger context. Once again, do I have problems with Galadriel depicted in Rings of Power? Many, and frankly I have given up on this series, but I am not going to object to a more ambitious or arrogant Galadriel in her youth—nor indeed more of a fighter.

Thank you all for being with me for three years!
I am the Chivalric Apologist

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Yes… you just got rickrolled. It was the best thing that came to mind. April fools!

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“Mary, Did You Know?” Debunked (Satire)

Very well, I could not resist this one for Epiphany. Obviously, this is my least favorite song at Christmas of all time because it is heretical garbage. I have debunked it twice already, but third time pays for all as they say. Let us get to the debunking.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Would one day walk on water? 

As much as I want to debunk this song, this one might actually be true. I will accept correction, but our Lady may not have actually known directly that He walk on water. She did, however, obviously know He was able to do that, since He is God.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Would save our sons and daughters?

Now that she did know because the Old Testament is quite clear that the Messiah is a savior of some sort. See Isaiah 42:4 for one.

Did you know that your baby boy 
Has come to make you new? 
This child that you delivered, will soon deliver you

Only loosely true because technically the grace from the cross and was applied before hand, but the usage of the future tense seems to imply that she is going to be saved later on rather than previously, so this is presumably, intentionally or not, Protestant fake news.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Will give sight to a blind man?

She did. Isaiah 35:5.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Will calm the storm with his hand?

I know of no places in the Old Testament that says this directly, unless I am missing something, she might have actually not known this. Well done.

Did you know that your baby boy 
Has walked where angels trod? 
When you kiss your little baby 
You kiss the face of God

I am starting to think that some people think she was either legally deaf or had dementia. St. Gabriel specifically said, “child to be born will be called holy, the Son of God.” (Luke 1:35) And Elizabeth addressed her as “the Mother of my Lord.” (Luke 1:43) She knew her son was God.

Mary, did you know? 
Mary, did you know? 
Mary, did you know? Did you know? 
Mary, did you know? Mary, did you know? 
Mary, did you know? Mary, did you know? 
Mary, did you know? Mary, did you know?

She indeed did know.
She indeed did know.
She indeed did know. She did know.
She indeed did know. She indeed did know.
She indeed did know. She indeed did know.
She indeed did know. She indeed did know.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear 
The dead will live again 
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak 
The praises of the Lamb

She knew about this as well. Read the Bible before you make a song about it, namely Isaiah 35.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Is Lord of all creation?
 

She did indeed.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy 
Would one day rule the nations?
 

She did indeed.

Did you know that your baby boy 
Is heaven’s perfect Lamb? 
That sleeping child you’re holding is the great, I Am

She did indeed. If you think she is such an idiot as to forget everything an angel told her a few months ago (from what I have heard, people do not easily forget things said by supernatural beings), I cannot help you.

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“Mistletoe” Debunked (Satire)

I hesitated to do this particular song since it is actually much more recent. That said, I had an older sister born in the late nineties, so… let me just say I have heard it before (granted, I am overgeneralizing a lot and plenty of girls born in the late nineties do not particularly like the music of Justin Bieber, but that, I think, was his main audience). Anyway, although it is a bit more recent than most I have done and may not have stayed in the public consciousness as much, I think it embodies some of the problems I have with secular Christmas songs. Now, granted, he was seventeen when this was released, which is the same age as myself, so maybe he came to regret it for all I know. I do know that he had several faith crises, which suggests to me that he at least cares about this sort of thing. What I want to make clear here is any jokes I make are not meant to be spiteful or an attack on the individual. The same goes with the previous ones I did (although I do have serious problems with this one). Still, the song reached the top ten in Canada, Denmark and Norway, and slightly missed the top 10 in the United States, peaking at 11. It reached the top forty in nine other countries and set the record for the highest debut for a Christmas song in Billboard Hot 100 history. This song, of course, is Mistletoe, which might explain my views on the subject.

It’s the most beautiful time of the year 
Lights fill the streets, spreading so much cheer 
I should be playing in the winter snow
 

Good for him—he is still young enough that he is allowed to like snow. I do remember being young and finding adults notorious for not liking snow. I might dispute “the most beautiful time of the year” from an aesthetic perspective (the most beautiful time of the year, in my mind, is undoubtedly Spring), but to each his own.

But I’ma be under the mistletoe 
I don’t wanna miss out on the holiday 
But I can’t stop staring at your face 
I should be playing in the winter snow 
But I’ma be under the mistletoe

I hugely dislike the mistletoe tradition at Christmas. What does kissing excessively do to celebrate God’s birth? Besides, I am a few months older than Justin Bieber was at the time and I try not to be involved in… that sort of thing. I am not saying that a seventeen-year-old necessarily cannot be involved in things of that nature if, for instance, he has the intention of marriage by eighteen or nineteen, but usually it is a waste of time at best that should be used in things like school or, in Justin Bieber’s case, having the peak of your career as a celebrity before fading into obscurity (I actually have no idea whether or how he finished school; I also hope this was a fictional song, but he seems to be telling it from his perspective).

With you, shawty with you 
With you, shawty with you 
With you, under the mistletoe

I personally am not a culture-holding type, but I cannot help but wonder if his usage of “shawty” would be considered cultural appropriation nowadays.

Everyone’s gathering around the fire 
Chestnuts roasting like a hot July

In some of the previous songs, I assumed that roasting chestnuts for Christmas was a thing of fifty years ago, but this came out in 2011, so I no longer know what to think.

I should be chilling with my folks, I know 
But I’ma be under the mistletoe
 

You should be with your friends and family, especially if you are seventeen on Christmas. Therein we agree.

Word on the street, Santa’s coming tonight 
Reindeer’s flying through the sky so high 
I should be making a list, I know 
But I’ma be under the mistletoe

Perhaps, if he has not outgrown making a list when he was already a massive celebrity at the time. If Santa Claus and his reindeer have actually been spotted, as seems to be implied, that is sort of a once in a lifetime opportunity. Do that, why don’t you?

Ayy love 
The wise men followed the star (the wise men followed the star) 
The way I followed my heart 
And it led me to a miracle 

I suppose every human being is a miracle of sorts. The difference between your and the Magi’s is that yours is not God Incarnate.

Ayy love (ayy love) 
Don’t you buy me nothing (don’t you buy me nothing) 
‘Cause I am feeling one thing, your lips on my lips 
That’s a merry, merry Christmas

And this is why I do not like this song. When, O when, O when did Christmas become about osculating under parasitic plants? That is all a mistletoe is, you must remember—a parasite to broadleaf trees. Hardly any symbol of Christmas. Can we get back to the star and the tree and, you know, not kissing, please?

I will skip the next few stanzas that have already been said. We then come to this:

Kiss me underneath the mistletoe (kiss me underneath the mistletoe) 
Show me, baby, that you love me so-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh (oh, oh, oh, yeah) 
Kiss me underneath the mistletoe (kiss me underneath the mistletoe) 
Show me, baby, that you love me so-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh (whoa, whoa)

I know it may seem this way when you are young, but excessive kissing is not evidence in itself of love. It is simply a symbol of love, that can often be misused to satisfy perverse passion.

There is one more on epiphany before Christmas is over. Wish me luck.

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“It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Debunked (Satire)

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year is a popular Christmas song that was written in 1963 by Edward Pola and George Wyle, produced by Robert Mersey, and was recorded and released that year by pop singer Andy Williams for his first Christmas album, The Andy Williams Christmas Album. Since then, it became a massive hit. Let us give it the usual rebuttal to see if it has anything—anything to do with Christmas.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year 

Aside from perhaps Easter, perhaps. Tell me why is that? Because of the season of Jesus’ birth?

With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you “be of good cheer” 
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Never mind. Someone please define “jingle-belling” for me? Yes, everyone is telling you to be of good cheer, but is people being wishing you well confined solely to this season or are there any… other reasons one might have for calling Christmas wonderful?

It’s the hap-happiest season of all
With those holiday greetings 
And gay happy meetings when friends come to call 
It’s the hap-happiest season of all

I will not make an off-colored joke, however tempting it might be. However, the Christmas season is happy because… of greetings? That may be good for some, but you just told me Christmas is an introvert’s nightmare from which I ought to stay far, far away.

There’ll be parties for hosting 
Marshmallows for toasting 
And caroling out in the snow

Who toasts marshmallows at Christmas? I thought that was a Fourth-of-July thing. As for caroling, that is all well and good. In the meanwhile, I would just like to know what the caroling is all about and why this day is worth celebrating.

There’ll be scary ghost stories 
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

Scary ghost stories—who in their right mind, outside of Charles Dickens—thinks Christmas is a good time to tell ghost stories. Christmas is not really the time to scare people witless. As for Christmases long ago, would you mind telling us about a few of them—maybe the one that started the whole thing?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year 
There’ll be much mistletoeing

Or you can just bring up mistletoes. What is the Modern Man’s obsession with kissing on Christmas?

And hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near 
It’s the most wonderful time of the year

That is nice. Is Christmas not wonderful when loved ones are not nearby?

There’ll be parties for hosting 
Marshmallows for toasting 
And caroling out in the snow 
There’ll be scary ghost stories 
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago
 

It’s the most wonderful time of the year 
There’ll be much mistletoeing 
And hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near 
It’s the most wonderful time 
Yes, the most wonderful time
Oh, the most wonderful time
Of the year

Yes… nothing about Jesus. Never mind.

Once again, I have no idea why this is a classic. It has absolutely nothing to do with Christ’s birth and therefore is hardly a Christmas story. All it is really saying is “fun stuff will happen”. If only more of these songs talked about Jesus…

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“Sleigh Ride” Debunked (Satire)

Sleigh Ride was first conceived by Leroy Anderson during a heat wave in July 1946, and he composed by in February 1948 as a light orchestra standard. The lyrics were not added until 1950 by Mitchel Parish, so he is to thank for me debunking it. Speaking of which, let us begin.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

That sounds fun. It has nothing to do with Christmas for a song often played then, but sleigh rides are probably enjoyable.

Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo

Who actually says that? Not that I have many friends, but I can never think of a time when I walked past any of them and they shouted “yoo-hoo!” to me, unless this is fan fiction for Frozen, of course.

I just found out about this, but apparently, this is a character from the Disney film Frozen called Oaken. I have not seen it in years, but this was the first “yoo-hoo” meme I could find…

Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

This much has already been said. However, I might be able to elaborate on the past theory. The “friends” who shout “Yoo-hoo” are presumably one guy named Oaken, so we know one thing. In the film, he addresses the character of Anna, making this the person who is addressed in the song. However, I can also remember enough to tell definitively who the narrator is, a character who has a close relationship with Anna in the film for one and even takes her on a few sleigh rides, and that is the character of Kristoff, her love interest if my memory serves me. I am not particularly a Disney fan most of the time, but well done all the same for Mr. Parish to see over half a century into the future to write fan fiction about it.

Kristoff (left) and Anna (right) from Frozen (2013)

Let’s take the road before us
And sing a chorus or two

Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

Anyone familiar with most Disney movies will see this significance. Disney has a thing with musicals and frankly, this is no exception. I am not quite clear why so many children’s movies need musical numbers (when I was that age, I had a low attention span and often got annoyed by them), but be that as it may, their chorus further supports my “this is Frozen fan fiction” theory.

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, let’s go

Frozen fans will know who is being addressed here. This is Sven, Kristoff’s reindeer, which, in turn, is the first ever published reference to him.

Let’s look at the snow
We’re riding in a wonderland of snow

The usage of the term “wonderland” further implies it may be a fantastical or fairy-tale setting—perhaps the world of the worst ever made adaptation of The Snow-Queen, that somehow manages to be less loyal than C. S. Lewis’ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe to Hans Christian Andersen’s classic tale, or even the film half-produced by Disney based on Lewis’ work?

(Irrelevant side note: I was thinking The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe is one of the best book-to-film adaptations I have ever seen, but it is a miracle that Disney did not completely twist and malign it as it does to all its other movies)

Also, about the line “let’s look at the snow”, this could potentially be a reference to the talking snowman, Olaf, who appears in the film. Everything else implies, however, that those two are the only one’s present, so I will not say that with certainty.

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, it’s grand
Just holding your hand

Our cheeks are nice and rosy
And comfy cozy are we
We’re snuggled up together
Like birds of a feather would be

I am unclear how “comfy cozy” you can be in an eternal winter. Don’t get too comfy cozy, however! (unless you two are married yet—I have not seen Frozen 2) Anyway, this further supports my theory as to who these characters are.

Let’s take the road before us
And sing a chorus or two
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

This was said before, but here it is directly telling us that this is a musical again.

There’s a Christmas party
At the home of Farmer Gray

It took me a while to figure out who “Farmer Gray” was, as there is no such character in Frozen. However, every Disney movie supposedly takes place in the same universe, so I tried searching on Disney Wiki characters called “Gray”… and came up mostly empty-handed. However, I did find one actor whom I recognized, and that is Taylor Gray, who voices Jedi padawan Ezra Bridger in the 2014 series, Star Wars: Rebels. Now, I imagine some might object that Star Wars is technically Lucasfilm, not Disney. However, Ezra Bridger was only invented after the purchase of Lucasfilm took place, so it still works. His planet, Lothal, seems to be full of farmers, so I see no reason to say Ezra’s parents are not. One might ask why Parish used the surname of the voice actor rather than the character. Nevertheless, I do not think that is a deal-breaker. Parish wrote this many years before Rebels came out, so it may be that he did not know the Jedi’s name.

Ezra Bridger

Of a perfect day
We’ll be singing the songs
We love to sing
Without a single stop

More proof that this is a Disney movie.

At the fireplace while we watch
The chestnuts pop
Pop pop pop

No one roasts chestnuts anymore, I assume and hope, which suggests that this is a Faërien setting (people didn’t do that in 1950, did they?).

There’s a happy feeling nothing
In the world can buy
As they pass around the coffee
And the pumpkin pie

I thought that feeling costs the joint price of coffee and pumpkin pie…

It’ll nearly be like a picture print
By Currier and Ives
These wonderful things are the things
We remember all through our lives

Currier and Ives was a New York City printmaking business that operated between 1835 and 1907. This seems odd, considering that Parish did not write these lyrics until 1950, many decades later. However, Hans Christian Anderson published The Snow Queen in 1845, when the magazine was coming out. Since Frozen is based on The Snow Queen (albeit in the loosest way imaginable, barring making it summer), once again, the chronology lines up.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

Let’s take the road before us
And sing another chorus or two
Come on it’s lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you

As suspected, Kristoff cannot end a song without singing more about his sleigh.

Oh, and by the way, this has nothing to do with Christmas and the nativity of Jesus Christ.

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“Mister Santa” Debunked (Satire)

This is a song I was not familiar with. Mister Santa is actually a secondary version of the song, Mr. Sandman, one of the few songs that exist about the character, when we are not talking about the DC hero, or the Marvel villain, or the British music magazine, or whatever else there is.

Now, the author of Mr. Sandman, Pat Ballard, rewrote and released the lyrics for Mister Santa in 1955, which was recorded by singer Dorothy Collins. This reached number 51 in Music Vendor. Amy Grant recorded a new version which was included on the 1999 album A Christmas to Remember. Let us see how memorable this song is.

Mister Santa 
Bring me some toys 

This is a rude way of asking for presents—without ever a “please”!

Bring Merry Christmas 
To all girls and boys
 

So Christmas will only be merry if Santa brings toys. I suppose, if that is the case, we will have to ask Jesus to go back to heaven early. His birth is not needed here, apparently…

And every night 
I’ll go to sleep singing
 

If you are singing in bed, you might not fall asleep. I definitely have never fallen asleep running.

And dream about 
The presents you’ll be bringing
 

There are worse dreams, I suppose.

Santa 
Promise me please 
Give every reindeer 
A hug and a squeeze
 

I am glad we are not just looking at concern for one’s self anymore, but I imagine there are a lot of reindeer to hug.

I’ll be good 
As good can be 
Mister Santa 
Don’t forget me

Still better than Santa Baby I guess (thoroughly debunked by me). Still, if you want to improve yourself, keep in mind that Santa’s not responsible for Christmas being merry. Jesus is.

Mister Santa 
Dear old Saint Nick 

So you actually acknowledge he is a saint. I wonder if the song will acknowledge the One he follows.

Be awful careful 
And please don’t get sick

Put on your coat 
When breezes are blowin’ 
And when you cross the street 
Look where you’re goin’ 
 

Oh, Santa somehow survives driving when most of the world gives him sugary treats and a surprising amount gives him an alcoholic beverage (I am American, so have never aided in making Santa totally inebriated, but seriously, he must have Type-2 by now from all the cookies). The point is, if Santa could get sick, he would have died by now.

Santa 
We’ve been so good 

I must say, a true saint does not repeat how good he or she is over and over again—just saying.

We’ve washed the dishes 
And done what we should 
Made up the beds 

If true, good, I suppose.

Scrubbed up our toesies 
We’ve used a Kleenex 
When we’ve blown our noseies 

The terms are “toes” and “noses”. I suppose, however, poets are allowed to break the rules of grammar and vocabulary in favor of rhyming…

Oh Santa 
Look at our ears

I would rather not closely examine them, to be honest.

They’re clean as whistles 
We’re sharper then shears 

I almost want to think that one’s own sharpness sounds like a threat—Give us presents or we’ll cut you with our bodies!

Now we’ve put you on the spot 
Mister Santa 
Bring us a lot

And all that was bribery, not virtue. Good to know!

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“Jingle Bell Rock” Debunked (Satire)

Continuing my rebuttals of secular Christmas songs, I must say this is not one that especially irritates me. However, it also is a Christmas-themed song and has nothing to do with Christ, so debunking is necessary. Consider Jingle Bell Rock by Jim Boothe and Joseph Beal.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 
Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring 
Snowin’ and blowin’ up bushels of fun 
Now the jingle hop has begun

I… do not understand. Is that the name of a dance?

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 
Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time 
Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square 
In the frosty air

All I can make of this is that we might be talking about a square on the North Pole.

What a bright time, it’s the right time 

To celebrate the birth of the Son of Man?

To rock the night away

Never mind. I somehow doubt Mary and Joseph had a dance-number after the birth of Jesus.

Jingle bell time is a swell time 
To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh

This is only the case if you are Santa Claus, but with half the world leaving out beer for him and the other half leaving out junk food, I think it would be hard enough to steer without dancing in the sleigh.

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet 
Jingle around the clock 
Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet 
That’s the jingle bell rock

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock 
Jingle bell chime in jingle bell time 
Dancin’ and prancin’ in Jingle Bell Square 
In the frosty air

Currently, this is making less sense to me than Jabberwocky, but I am getting the impression Christ has nothing to do with these lyrics. Seriously, why are these songs classics? Am I an idiot and does everyone else understand them?

What a bright time, it’s the right time 
To rock the night away 
Jingle bell time is a swell time 
To go glidin’ in a one-horse sleigh

So… Santa is encouraging his Elves to dance, I suppose. Nowadays, he has a reindeer, but maybe he had a horse back then. I have heard weirder things. I like the usage of the word swell—so old fashioned.

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet 

What is a jingle horse and what does it have to do with feet? Maybe it is a creature that has bells in the place of hooves. That frankly sounds the most reasonable.

Jingle around the clock 

Bells are also attached to the clock hands on the North Pole—back when clocks had hands, of course. So old fashioned…

Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin’ feet 

I don’t know what you just said, but I am just going to assume that this dance involves elves giving each other their feet. They are magic. Perhaps that could happen.

That’s the jingle bell 
That’s the jingle bell 
That’s the jingle bell rock…

I do not know any more than before what the jingle bell rock is, but I am glad you are excited.

I am just gathering Santa has magic horses that have bells in their bodies and is encouraging his Elves to give each other their feet for the show, which is apparently a thing Elves can do, but I don’t know anymore…

Apparently, you do not have to make sense to come up with a good Christmas carol, much less praise the Newborn King of Israel. All you need is a bunch of weird words related to Christmas decorations and suddenly it is a classic. I give up.

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“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” Debunked (Satire)

This is a song recommended to me by a friend for a debunking. Baby, It’s Cold Outside was written in 1944 by Frank Loesser and popularized in the 1949 musical romantic comedy, Neptune’s Daughter. The song won the 1950 Academy Award for Best Original Song. It, once again, is not technically a Christmas song, but due to its winter theme, it is commonly regarded as a Christmas song. Now for a debunking, to see if it truly lives to the name of a Christmas song.

I really can’t stay (but baby, it’s cold outside) 
I’ve got to go away (but baby, it’s cold outside)
 

“I really can’t stay” makes me think the song is about to end. Somehow, I doubt this interpretation unfortunately.

One thing I have noticed while doing these debunkings is that songs have a thing with repeating things they already said. This happens in the first two lines of this song apparently.

This evening has been (been hoping that you’d drop in) 
So very nice (I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)

This person has ice-hands now. Frankly, I do not think it is good to hold ice more longer than necessary. It is hard to interpret this, considering all the sentence fragments, but the second line might be meant to imply It is so very nice to hold your ice-hands. I see why someone might hold another’s ice-hands out of charity, but I do not see how one would derive comfort from it, so perhaps these hands simply look like ice as a simile? Is this a blue alien we are talking about?

My mother will start to worry (beautiful, what’s your hurry?)
And father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar) 
So really I’d better scurry (beautiful, please don’t hurry) 
Well maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)

It sounds as if this person is staying against his parents’ wishes. I am more of a reader of fantasy than science fiction, but I will note that he is staying with a mysterious creature, alien or otherwise, listening to music and drinking a substance. She is in charge of the records (in modern terms, CDs—do people listen to CDs anymore?), so I am wondering if there is any sort of enchanting or hypnotic lullaby being used for her own purposes. Either way, drinking liquid and listening to music has Mr. Tumnus from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe written all over it, so I am questioning.

The neighbours might think (baby, it’s bad out there) 
Say, what’s in this drink? (No cabs to be had out there) 
I wish I knew how (your eyes are like starlight now) 
To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

The line what’s in the drink is in this song. Someone is being drugged probably. Considering that he is the one who needs to leave, this is probably her house, so she is probably the one who drugged him. This is evidenced by him being delirious and hallucinating starlight in her eyes. Also, he wants to break a spell—he is fighting back but failing. Maybe I was wrong about aliens. Magic is afoot. It is settled: this is a blue faun in the pay of the White Witch trying to abduct humans—unless, of course, this is the White Witch herself, which would explain her icy hands. I know this was written six years prior to The Chronicles of Narnia, but I do not suppose it is too much to ask for Loesser to see that far in the future to write a fan fiction about it (it is not that far after all).

I ought to say “No, no, no sir” (mind if I move in closer?) 

Yes, you should, but I doubt you will.

At least I’m gonna say that I tried (what’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?) 

I somehow doubt that that is a good thing, and I think that sense is what you call conscience.

I really can’t stay (baby, don’t hold out) 
Ah but it’s cold outside (baby, it’s cold outside)

Calm down. It might feel cold now, but once you get back through the Wardrobe, keep in mind that it will be summer and no time will have passed at all. You can do this, narrator!

I simply must go (but baby it’s cold outside) 
The answer is no (but baby it’s cold outside)
 

Please do—I would love nothing better. I would especially love nothing better than if the song turns around to be about how Christ saved you from this temptation on Christmas.

The welcome has been (how lucky that you dropped in) 
So nice and warm (look out the window at this dawn)

Too warm, I imagine. I cannot help but think that there may be a magical spell protecting them from the cold outside.

Hannibal Lector

My sister will be suspicious (gosh, your lips looks delicious) 

Delicious lips—now that’s a pickup line. Either that, or we are hearing this from a cannibal. Maybe this is told from the perspective of the famous cannibal, Hannibal Lector.

My brother will be there at the door (waves upon the tropical shore) 

A tropical shore—I name my thesis that it is summer at home confirmed. Your sister and brother do not happen to be called Lucy and Peter, do you?

My main aunt’s mind is vicious (gosh, your lips are delicious) 

Gross cannibalism again. Who is your main aunt as opposed to the others? Is she just the most relevant one to you because she taught you the art of cannibalism? That might explain her vicious mind. Cannibals are usually vicious.

This is Edmund, not Hannibal, but same difference

But maybe just a cigarette (never saw such beauty before)

Whether this is the White Witch herself or one of her minions, clearly a magic spell is on the narrator. Also, I am just going to assume the tobacco in the cigarette has the same quality of Turkish delight—magical food that makes one hunger for more.

I gotta get home (but baby you’d freeze out there) 
Say, lend me a coat (it’s up to your knees out there) 
You’ve really been great (I thrill when you touch my hand) 
But don’t you see? (How can you do this thing to me?)

Well, one thing I can say is the narrator is no Lucy Pevensie.

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (think of my lifelong sorrow) 
At least there’ll be plenty implied (if you caught pneumonia and died) 

Don’t worry, Hannibal. She ate the apple of youth in that prequel book. She won’t die. If you want to cure your lifelong sorrow, maybe you should give up cannibalism and go to Jesus. It is Christmas after all and this song has nothing to do with Christ.

I really can’t stay (get over that old doubt) 
Baby, it’s cold, baby, it’s cold outside

And now I have a final theory: Hannibal Lector is visiting the renowned professor Digory Kirke. Being a serial killer, he begins to snoop around his mansion. He comes upon a wardrobe in a spare room and falls into a the land of Narnia. The White Witch discovers him, many years before the events of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and since he is a human, she wants to kill him. He falls madly in love, as his predecessor, Andrew Ketterley, did, and therefore (being Hannibal Lector) wants to eat her, so she takes him to her home and gives him enchanted cigarettes and plays magical music to lure him to sleep, hoping to turn him to stone when he can. However, he knows not all is right and he wants to escape. Nevertheless, he cannot. Vice has overcome him at last. I can only wonder if Aslan will decide to cure him or leave him frozen when the prophecy is fulfilled because he is a cannibal.

Bonum Certamen Certemus
I am the Chivalric Apologist

Categories
Humor

“All I Want For Christmas Is You” Debunked

I am back on debunking secular Christmas songs that annoy me because I do not want to annoy my family members by complaining. The last one did not go so well because it was so bad that it was almost impossible to redeem it by jokes. Let us try this one.

This time, we are looking at another romantic song that is trying to be Christmas-y. “All I want for Christmas Is You” is a song recorded in 1994 by Mariah Carey and written by both her and Walter Afanasieff. Seeing as Mariah Carey is still somewhat relevant (I think) and this song came out eleven years before I was born, I am not as old as I thought I was. You do not need to guess that the person whom she wants for Christmas in the title of the song is not Jesus Christ.

The song became critically acclaimed by the New Yorker as “one of the few worthy modern additions to the holiday canon”. Carey re-recorded the song as a duet with Canadian artist Justin Beiber in 2010, who was sixteen at the time (what am I doing with my life? I actually remember when he was at the height of his fame and now he is still not thirty yet…), and has since been subject to numerous covers, including Fifth Harmony, Michael Bublé, My Chemical Romance, Tori Kelly, Idina Menzel, Dolly Parton, Amber Riley, Shania Twain, Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, Kelly Clarkson, CeeLo Green, Pentatonix, Ingrid Michaelson, and Christina Perri. I do not know who most of these are, but let us say it has been covered by a variety of musical genres.

One might wonder why the Chivalric Apologist is willing to go against what the New Yorker itself has acclaimed. To this, I respond that the Chivalric Apologist will see why the New Yorker would praise what the Chivalric Apologist has debunked (and, you know, more importantly, once again has little to do with the point of Christmas).

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

I know I am not really a poet myself, but I cannot help but notice that for a song that has been critically acclaimed by one of the most prestigious papers in the country, this does not exactly rhyme. But what do I know about poetry? Nevertheless, as will be seen later, the lyrics do not exactly make up for it, in my opinion.

This is actually starting on a very good foot. The artist is saying that the presents are not actually important. Will this be a reference to the true meaning of Christmas? Is all she wants for Christmas our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Please, Carey, say that and you can save the song!

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah

“My own” does not inspire my confidence. We do not own Jesus Christ—then again, I doubt that is where she is going. But maybe “my own” is a metaphor, referencing glorifying God forever in heaven.

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
And I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree

This was said already, but this would be good, as I said, if followed up by something about the Child Jesus.

I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
With a toy on Christmas Day

This actually sounds very noble. Are you giving your gifts to the poor as a sign of God’s goodness because you know you have treasure in heaven? Please, mention our Lord in some shape or fashion and I will let the New Yorker say whatever it wants about this song!

I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

Well, whatever you are talking about, is this “baby” the Baby Jesus? It would be nice if you mentioned giving your own love to our Lord, but maybe that comes later on in the song. Somehow, I doubt it.

Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas
I won’t even wish for snow

There are a lot of adults who need to drive who might agree with that. The children will be displeased.

And I’m just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

Just before, you had a chance to make this song decent or even good. I now hope you do not mean to wait for our Lord under the mistletoe if we are talking about the cultural significance established about it because that has the potential to be blasphemous.

But maybe I am wrong. Perhaps there is just mistletoe growing in the stable for the animals to eat and it has nothing to do with romantic passions. Mistletoe has the habit of killing trees, so maybe its presence in the stable can be used to enforce the idea that Christ was born in a humble place? Please, Carey, clarify your statement later in the song…

I won’t make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick

Good, because the North Pole does not have a mailing address as far as I am aware.

I won’t even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click

I have never heard reindeer in my life personally, so that sounds like an unmissable opportunity.

‘Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight

Okay, maybe, if this is addressed toward our Lord, this could be a metaphor for divine providence? Or not. Interpreting this in a Christmas-y way is getting exhausting…

What more can I do?
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

I am getting uncomfortable with repeatedly calling the Son of Man, even when referencing His Nativity, “baby”. Then again if this is about a romantic partner and not about our Lord and Savior, I have never been in a romantic relationship before, but were I to do so, I imagine I would get annoyed about being repeatedly called “baby” as well, so… I guess it is bad either way? I am still less comfortable about it when talking about God.

Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s laughter fills the air

This seems harmless enough. I wonder if they are laughing about the mistletoe line or how hard it was for me to interpret in a Christmas-y way.

And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa, won’t you bring me the one I really need?
Won’t you please bring my baby to me?

Oh, so this is your baby? I certainly hope that this is not told from the Blessed Mother’s perspective, but at least it would be better than Mary, Did You Know? so who am I to complain.

But maybe she is just a mother with a lost child. In that case, it is perfectly reasonable for her to care more about a reunion between the two of them than presents and snow. Only, the “mistletoe” part does not line up with that interpretation any more than the Christ interpretation does.

Oh, I don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
I just wanna see my baby
Standing right outside my door

Since anyone who can stand is typically considered no longer a baby, no good there either. I am rapidly losing faith in my ability to interpret this in any way that relates to the birth of Christ. Toddlers can stand, I guess? Or should I give up trying to interpret this in any way that relates to Christmas.

Alternatively, maybe she is asking someone to send a human being in wrapping paper for Christmas, which is not much better as that sounds like something a serial killer would do.

New Theory: this is less about Christmas and more about serial killing.

Oh, I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you
You, baby

And all I want for Christmas is an end to secular Christmas songs.

Bonum Certamen Certemus
I am the Chivalric Apologist