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Modernizing My Blog (April fools’)

Hello. This is the Catholic of Honor again. As some of you know, I am yet sixteen years old. In my recent post on homosexuality, a commenter stated: “It is so encouraging to see a young person defending God’s views on the family.” Then a long time back, a commenter posted on my very first article: Why a Catholic Cannot Vote for a Pro-Choice Politician: “You’re 15 years of age? Wow! Until now, I thought you were an adult by how mature and well-written your arguments are.” I remember when I was fifteen—the times long past. Now I must rectify this by making words and arguments which better fit the modern era. After all, it is the Twenty-First Century.

First of all, I’ll start using contractions. I mean seriously, even in formal books and other such things, no one is careful to avoid all contractions. Why should I? It’s the Twenty-First Century, dude! (that’s what people of my generation say, right? I don’t know—I’m homeschooled). Now I need to use improper grammar. I’m Gen Z. I can never ever ever say “whom”. I think I must abandon my most quotable quotation: “She was the gate by whom her Son came to us and now is the gate by whom we may come to Him and by Him to the Father.” But oh well! lol (my generation says that, right?) Now, 👁️ must begin writing in text-talk. 👁️ guess 👁️’ll have to thr-O in random emojis whenever possible and letters which sound like words. 👁️ think this—I mean, 👁️ dink dis will wrk (if you can’t tell, I’m homeschooled, so I don’t really know anything about text-talk).

But now, we need to do more than just modernize my speech. I mean, I’ve been saying marriage is between a man and a woman and that God sends people to hell. I mean, it is the twenty-first century, people! Let’s get some modernism on! “And now, can anybody who takes a survey of the whole system be surprised that We should define it as the synthesis of all heresies?” says St. Pius X on modernism. (Pascendi Dominici Gregis 39) So should I just do all the heresies? The think is, Jansenism and Pelagianism, for instance, seem to be completely contradictory. But which is more hip with my generation at the moment? I’ll go with Pelagianism. Anyway, I think modernism is actually just the view that doctrines should change and evolve to suit the needs and values of the era, so that’ll wrk. Also, don’t worry about following the commandments and bringing down the wrath of God upon them. Just do what your heart tells you (and by heart, I mean desires, some of which are disordered), as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody except yourself (and maybe a few other people in the case of abortion and pornography, for example). Also, it may hurt God, but it certainly won’t hurt the sort of God who will just let you do whatever you want and doesn’t care very much! Just be morally flimsy and forget all the things I’ve previously taught U. Just keep religious differences to yourself and let’s live in a state of tolerance between all our differences—as long as you don’t evangelize. Alas, tho, on account of this, I have a sorrowful announcement to make.

Srsly (is that the hip way to say “seriously”?), I’ve got nothing to do now. I mean, the hol point of this blog is to defend the Faith. But since I’m Gen Z, I guess I can keep the Faith to myself instead and not try to convert anyone. So, (alas!) I must leave you now and end this blog. You can watch Buzzfeed or something instead. You don’t need to think as much to watch Buzzfeed as to read my blog. Who reads anymore anyway? Twenty-first century people! Uh, see ya ’round, I guess!

Bonum Certam—wait, that’s Latin—so a thousand years ago. Here’s the English translation:

Let us fight the good fight

Nah, that’s too militant.

See ya ’round guys!

Better

I’m just some teenaged Catholic.

Good bye—forever!

Memes are hip with my generation, right?